Coping with breakup guilt

An interesting article from CLoveTwo


Guilt is an emotion that arises when a normal, feeling person acts in conflict with his or her values - values which pertain to subjective notions of good or bad, right or wrong. Guilt gets intensified when the actions of the "guilty" person in some way hurt another person.

When a relationship is ended or about to be ended, there is frequently plenty of guilt to go around.

For example, the person who chooses to end a relationship commonly suffers from a phenomenon known as "dumper guilt." But even in the circumstance where both partners mutually agree to part, there is typically guilt experienced by both - guilt over what they did or didn't do, what they should or shouldn't have done, guilt over the failure of their relationship, in general, and guilt over the effect of their parting on their children, in particular.

What purpose does guilt serve?

Guilt can be one of the most compelling of all human emotions. It can be so compelling in fact, that it quite commonly leads to anxiety and depression, sometimes lasting for years. The purpose that guilt serves is to remind us of where our fence posts are placed, so to speak, on the boundaries of our value system.

In other words, when we cross over our boundary lines, acting in contradiction to our values, we are forced to pay a price. We get beset by feelings of uneasiness, self-loathing and ultimately shame.

In short, the purpose that guilt serves is to keep our behaviour in check. Were it not for this mechanism, we would all be unfeeling sociopaths whose actions and effects on others would have no internal accountability.

Putting guilt in perspective

If you have recently ended a relationship or are contemplating the ending of your current one and you are feeling guilty about it, whether you initiated or will initiate "the split," or whether it was or will be mutual, there are five things to consider:

* You should take some comfort in knowing that the guilt you are experiencing means that you are a normal, feeling person who has simply violated an internal boundary within your own value system. Violating your values does not necessarily make you a bad person.

* Even though you have violated your own value system, it does not mean that the ending of your relationship is somehow wrong. It may simply mean that you went about it in a less than appropriate way, that you may have given conflicting signals to your partner, created false expectations, and the like, or it may just reflect your concern for your children, if you have them.

* A relationship is a joint enterprise, and its failure is not all your doing. So do not fall into the trap of taking all the responsibility for the demise of your relationship, even if you may have been the one who chose to end it.

* There is appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt. Inappropriate guilt derives from an overly officious or judgmental value system in which you are constantly trying to live up to the standards of others, or feel overly responsible for your actions or the feelings of others. If this is the case, try to go a little easier on yourself. Guilt should be reasonable, not disproportionate.

* Guilt can make us feel so bad, that we will often devise defenses against it, and look for ways to absolve ourselves of it. Consequently, you might find yourself being irrationally angry with your ex-partner, unduly consoling, or engaging with your ex in the blame game.

To avoid this, you really need to spend some time alone and get clear as to where your guilt is emanating from, and then try to come to terms with it.

Gaining clarity

To gain clarity about the guilt you are experiencing, try the following exercise. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left hand side at the top of the page, write "actions." On the right hand side of the top of the page, write "values."

Now beginning on the left hand side of the page, begin listing all of the actions you have recently taken about which you are feeling guilty. These might include things like: I ended my relationship; I yelled at my ex; I told him/her that he/she was no good; I cheated on him/her, etc.

Now on the right hand side, begin listing all of your values: This might include things like: I do not abandon others; I uphold my commitments; being dependable is everything; I love my children, etc.

Now when you're done, try to connect certain of your actions to certain of your values, and determine where there is a disconnect. In other words, which of your actions violated which values. By going through this process, you should achieve more clarity about where your guilt is emanating from, and this may better help you to reconcile and make amends with it.

Achieving forgiveness

When a relationship has ended, it is unrealistic to expect that your ex-partner or your children, for that matter, are going to forgive you any time soon for all the hurts that the ending of your relationship has caused, particularly if you were the one who initiated the breakup.

In fact, you may find that the more you interact with your ex or your children, the more they may try to play your guilt strings. Therefore, the only option you have is to learn to forgive yourself.

The best way to accomplish this is through two techniques. The first is a body awareness technique. This should be done over a period of days or even weeks. It's very simple.

Simply find a quiet, private place where you will be alone and undisturbed. Now sit with your eyes closed, relax and let your mind focus on your body. See if you can locate the area within your body that is storing the guilt energy.

Often this will be some part of your musculature that is tight. Once you locate it, do not resist it, go into it. Allow your musculature to loosen. If you feel like crying, do so. If the guilt is pressing down on you, let it take you. The purpose of this exercise is to get you to acknowledge and confront the guilt.

After all guilt is a feeling, and that feeling is stored somewhere in your body musculature. By doing this, the guilt will have less power over you and you will begin to make amends with it.

The second exercise involves journalling and letter writing. The first thing you need to do is write a narrative chronicling your relationship from its beginning, right through to your breakup. Do not lay blame either on yourself or your partner. Simply recount the history of your relationship.

Next you are going to write four letters. The first one (do not send it) is a letter of confession addressed to your ex in which you confess to your ex all the things you did to contribute to the failure of your relationship; the next letter is addressed to your ex (do not send it) in which you ask for his or her forgiveness; the next is a letter to your children, if applicable, (do not send it) in which you ask for their forgiveness for your breakup, and in which you pledge to continue on as a loving parent who will be forever committed to their well-being; and the last is a letter to yourself in which you identify what things you did in the course of your relationship that violated your values, and how you intend to avoid those violations in the future.

At the end of this letter, forgive yourself for violating these values, and for your part in contributing to the failure of your relationship. When you have finished, you should notice that the guilt has dissipated somewhat, if it not entirely.

It is so often true that we learn more about ourselves through our suffering than we do through our joy. Though it is painful, it has so much to teach us about ourselves. It forces us to look inward and to get a clearer picture of what our values are - indeed it helps to define them.


© 2009, Breakup911
Guilt is an emotion that arises when a normal, feeling person acts in conflict with his or her values - values which pertain to subjective notions of good or bad, right or wrong. Guilt gets intensified when the actions of the "guilty" person in some way hurt another person.

When a relationship is ended or about to be ended, there is frequently plenty of guilt to go around.

For example, the person who chooses to end a relationship commonly suffers from a phenomenon known as "dumper guilt." But even in the circumstance where both partners mutually agree to part, there is typically guilt experienced by both - guilt over what they did or didn't do, what they should or shouldn't have done, guilt over the failure of their relationship, in general, and guilt over the effect of their parting on their children, in particular.

What purpose does guilt serve?

Guilt can be one of the most compelling of all human emotions. It can be so compelling in fact, that it quite commonly leads to anxiety and depression, sometimes lasting for years. The purpose that guilt serves is to remind us of where our fence posts are placed, so to speak, on the boundaries of our value system.

In other words, when we cross over our boundary lines, acting in contradiction to our values, we are forced to pay a price. We get beset by feelings of uneasiness, self-loathing and ultimately shame.

In short, the purpose that guilt serves is to keep our behaviour in check. Were it not for this mechanism, we would all be unfeeling sociopaths whose actions and effects on others would have no internal accountability.

Putting guilt in perspective

If you have recently ended a relationship or are contemplating the ending of your current one and you are feeling guilty about it, whether you initiated or will initiate "the split," or whether it was or will be mutual, there are five things to consider:

* You should take some comfort in knowing that the guilt you are experiencing means that you are a normal, feeling person who has simply violated an internal boundary within your own value system. Violating your values does not necessarily make you a bad person.

* Even though you have violated your own value system, it does not mean that the ending of your relationship is somehow wrong. It may simply mean that you went about it in a less than appropriate way, that you may have given conflicting signals to your partner, created false expectations, and the like, or it may just reflect your concern for your children, if you have them.

* A relationship is a joint enterprise, and its failure is not all your doing. So do not fall into the trap of taking all the responsibility for the demise of your relationship, even if you may have been the one who chose to end it.

* There is appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt. Inappropriate guilt derives from an overly officious or judgmental value system in which you are constantly trying to live up to the standards of others, or feel overly responsible for your actions or the feelings of others. If this is the case, try to go a little easier on yourself. Guilt should be reasonable, not disproportionate.

* Guilt can make us feel so bad, that we will often devise defenses against it, and look for ways to absolve ourselves of it. Consequently, you might find yourself being irrationally angry with your ex-partner, unduly consoling, or engaging with your ex in the blame game.

To avoid this, you really need to spend some time alone and get clear as to where your guilt is emanating from, and then try to come to terms with it.

Gaining clarity

To gain clarity about the guilt you are experiencing, try the following exercise. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left hand side at the top of the page, write "actions." On the right hand side of the top of the page, write "values."

Now beginning on the left hand side of the page, begin listing all of the actions you have recently taken about which you are feeling guilty. These might include things like: I ended my relationship; I yelled at my ex; I told him/her that he/she was no good; I cheated on him/her, etc.

Now on the right hand side, begin listing all of your values: This might include things like: I do not abandon others; I uphold my commitments; being dependable is everything; I love my children, etc.

Now when you're done, try to connect certain of your actions to certain of your values, and determine where there is a disconnect. In other words, which of your actions violated which values. By going through this process, you should achieve more clarity about where your guilt is emanating from, and this may better help you to reconcile and make amends with it.

Achieving forgiveness

When a relationship has ended, it is unrealistic to expect that your ex-partner or your children, for that matter, are going to forgive you any time soon for all the hurts that the ending of your relationship has caused, particularly if you were the one who initiated the breakup.

In fact, you may find that the more you interact with your ex or your children, the more they may try to play your guilt strings. Therefore, the only option you have is to learn to forgive yourself.

The best way to accomplish this is through two techniques. The first is a body awareness technique. This should be done over a period of days or even weeks. It's very simple.

Simply find a quiet, private place where you will be alone and undisturbed. Now sit with your eyes closed, relax and let your mind focus on your body. See if you can locate the area within your body that is storing the guilt energy.

Often this will be some part of your musculature that is tight. Once you locate it, do not resist it, go into it. Allow your musculature to loosen. If you feel like crying, do so. If the guilt is pressing down on you, let it take you. The purpose of this exercise is to get you to acknowledge and confront the guilt.

After all guilt is a feeling, and that feeling is stored somewhere in your body musculature. By doing this, the guilt will have less power over you and you will begin to make amends with it.

The second exercise involves journalling and letter writing. The first thing you need to do is write a narrative chronicling your relationship from its beginning, right through to your breakup. Do not lay blame either on yourself or your partner. Simply recount the history of your relationship.

Next you are going to write four letters. The first one (do not send it) is a letter of confession addressed to your ex in which you confess to your ex all the things you did to contribute to the failure of your relationship; the next letter is addressed to your ex (do not send it) in which you ask for his or her forgiveness; the next is a letter to your children, if applicable, (do not send it) in which you ask for their forgiveness for your breakup, and in which you pledge to continue on as a loving parent who will be forever committed to their well-being; and the last is a letter to yourself in which you identify what things you did in the course of your relationship that violated your values, and how you intend to avoid those violations in the future.

At the end of this letter, forgive yourself for violating these values, and for your part in contributing to the failure of your relationship. When you have finished, you should notice that the guilt has dissipated somewhat, if it not entirely.

It is so often true that we learn more about ourselves through our suffering than we do through our joy. Though it is painful, it has so much to teach us about ourselves. It forces us to look inward and to get a clearer picture of what our values are - indeed it helps to define them.© 2009, Breakup911.com

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